Where I am now.

13Nov08

I have lived the past five months in underwhelming sadness.

It only catches up with me now and then. Like when I read a random Xkcd line about planets coming together. Or when I read a familiar Facebook posting about Bolehland.

My heart has been crying, crying, crying to me: Anywhere but here.

To some it seems like I am on the verge of exploding, that I’ll take everyone down with me. I think that I know that too, somehow. So I have been leaving everyone I know well on the edge of my anger.

I have been so angry, that only the distant stay close to me.

I have been punching random buildings, because trees would hurt and they did not deserve any part of my anger. Certain words and certain memories push me to tears, like the ones that I smear across my face now in the pretence that the eye with the scar across its cornea is acting up.

I’ve been in and out of hospitals and clinics. I’ve gotten into countless arguments. I’ve come very close to hate. I’ve fallen in and out of love with many things. I’ve failed, figuratively and literally. I have found previous relationships become more complicated, and lost the will to fix them. I’ve been letting things fall around me, into place or otherwise.

This year, more than most, I have kept to myself. As always, less able to respond to things I should, and I ramble on on irrelevance. There have been good moments, yes. But submerged in melancholy. It sounds like some sort of disease.

It’s been a long, long year. Too fast, yet I am hanging on the simple balance between days and being a bum about it. I do not seize the day anymore. Maybe I never have.

There has been a lot of self-blame. A lot of self-hate misdirected to others. I have blown up in too many people’s faces. Like three years of momentum has led to this year, where everything is threatening to erupt before I go home.

I want, want, want to go home. I need to be with my family again. I shake at the memory of spending time here. I have plans, but I’m not keen on them. This isn’t February, where everything felt like a new start. This year has been vulnerable, wracked with insecurities.

I visited Tuan Keng (or is it Uncle Keng?)’s website for the first time in months. And, as always, I found what I needed, thrown in my face:
Tika ku pohon kepada Illahi kekuatan;
Allah memberiku kesulitan,
padat dengan dugaan;
agar aku membina kekentalan dan kewibawaan.

Tika ku pohon kepada Illahi kebijaksanaan;
Allah memberiku masalah,
supaya ku lebih berusaha dengan segala keupayaan
sehingga menemui penyelesaian.

Tika ku pohon kepada Illahi keberanian;
Allah memberiku ujian, dugaan dan cubaan,
supaya dapat ku lintasi rintangan,
tanpa semangat dipatahkan dengan kekecewaan.

Tika ku pohon kepada Illahi sebuah cinta;
Allah menemukanku kepada manusia,
bermasalah dan menderita,
untuk ku taburkan kegembiraan,
dan hilangkan nestapa.

Tika ku pohon kepada Illahi bantuan;
Allah mencelikkan ku keadaan kesusahan,
betapa ramai yang lebih mengharapkan.
Memberiku kesempatan,
untuk membina bakti dan menghulur kebajikan.

Allah,
tidak pernah memberi apa yang ku pinta.
Tapi sentiasa memberi,
apa yang amat ku perlukan.

Hidup ini penuh jawaban
Kepada permintaan dan harapan.
Hanya memerlukan keupayaan,
untuk menilai kenikmatan terpendam.

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