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30:49

18 Apr

The rain poured hard and true.

She knew that the rain had its passengers – angels, who went back to the Heavens, bringing with them wishes and prayers, hopes and dreams. Maybe that was why she had always loved the rain. It was her favourite perfume, this scent of fresh promises and new adventures. It was as if each torrent opened up another page in a different life. Like everything had been fixed and washed away in little streams of aftermath. Like the way God brought the flowers and the grass and the trees back to life with the drizzle.

As was the case, she welcomed rain. She had needed many fixer-uppers in her life; many washes to get the dirt all clean. And with each downpour, she felt like the rest of the world was born anew. She felt like she could hope again, rebuild again, live again.

It’s as if the rain tells her each time, with a little whisper, that there is nothing she cannot do.

Smiling to herself, she remembered lonely rains that she spent with the piano in the alcove of her home, when no one else was there. She would revel in the disguise of rainfall, knowing that her mistakes on the keys would be saved from all but her, but in the spirit of the moment, she wouldn’t care at all. The piano keys were hard on her fingers, and in them, she lay out her one-sided tales of heartbreak and adolescent pain, wondering why God had made her the way He did. She had reckoned that she must have been special, to warrant so much disappointment in her being. She had skimmed through her feelings and her thoughts and theories as her fingers padded the wooden keys, her eyes focusing on the wet, pallid grey of the world outside. Smiling a special one, she would not feel so alone anymore.

There were many times when she would deliberately forget her umbrella on a darkened day, and find herself having to walk through the rain. It was never long enough to appease her hunger of a proper shower, but it gave her a sense of syukr – maybe for being able to shiver in the cold and tilt her head up to the pouring sky. Not that she had anything against a clear-blue sky with its smattering of clouds, or the sunshine that pours onto the earth and warms her back. Its just that rain and wetness and dull skies made her feel lonely and also comfortable. Maybe it was the knowledge that it would always be temporary; that it never lasted long.

Rainy days were an excuse to curl up under warm blankets with a good book in hand. It gave her a chance to slow down and reflect – something she had wanted to do for days, but never found the time for. The stunted act of an autumn shower made time go still and the rest of the world cease from haste.

She could feel the folds of her hijab flopping to one side with the weight of the damp, but she marked it as fate that she should be stuck out here, in the middle of nowhere, without an umbrella or some form of shade in view. Because the rain would wash her troubles away, if only for a while.


And the angels would bring the blessings of Paradise with each drop of rain.

I want to write.

17 Dec

Assalamualaikum wrh. wbt.

I was blog-hopping as I regularly am, and I was stopped in my tracks by a story posted by my fellow blogger (go hunt the tale down Circling Thought by yourself).

It has been so long since I sat down to write something. I mean, really write something I could be satisfied of.

Ever since I learned how to read, I had started writing. There are several book from my early years, where proof of my writing by sheer mimickry is still evident. So I suppose that though I was late in realizing my natural gravitation to the written word (thanks to much prodding from my dear Weili), it was always there, waiting to come out.

Right now it feels like I’m being barraged by inspiring and aspiring writers. A quick stroll in the local bookstore, and I see the Cerekarama-type romance novels given cute, modern bookcovers. I pick up the paper, and I read a review on a book about a novella by a Malaysian teenager who had attempted something along the lines of Cabot’s Princess Diaries (which I can’t believe I fell for hook, line and sinker). I look out the window along PJ old-town, and I see a billboard for a movie based on a fantasy novel written by a mere kid.

It’s enough to make anyone with literary aspirations and a sore case of writer’s block frustrated.

Back when being famous was all the rage, I decided that I would write a novel. And actual novel, mind you, with chapters, and credits, and all that. Not to forget the current must-have of pop culture name-dropping.

I was going to write about the main plot of the story, but it sounds so contrived, unoriginal and silly that I’ve decided I won’t even bother embarrassing myself.

But I take it that maybe a few people have read it, considering I even put up a blog for it, hoping to be discovered by some talent-hunting publishing house from the States.

Yeah. I truly was that naive.

Still, I have to admit that the narrative was much better, and sounds far more natural than anything I so much as attempt nowadays. It makes you wonder, how much self-restraint is enough?

I like to think that I’ve grown up, somewhat (although my parents, upon listening in to my first argument with my brother when I got back, prefer to disagree), and true to nature, my mind has made itself up about a lot of things. It contains a whole lot more principles now that insyaAllah, I will try hard not to jinx.

Along with this new turn of events, I’ve realized that writing has to be more than just a means to be rich. It’s more than just a way to be famous.

It’s about carrying the burden named ‘responsibility’ as best as you can.

If I can scoff at horrid novels and half-hearted writing, then I sure don’t want to be all that.

I want to carry a message.
I want to help educate.
I want to set things clear.
I want to stimulate thought.
(A little argument may result of this, but a little, I can handle.)
I want to spark change.
And oh Allah, I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Na’uzubillah.

(O Allah, prevent me from doing something for the wrong reasons altogether — please let my niyyah be pure. Amin.)

I just wish I knew what I could write about.

I am very welcome to ideas right now.

Help is very much appreciated.

Wassalam.


Isnim bina, wa nu’min sa’ah.

16 Dec

Sometimes.

I feel as if little time has passed between before and after Melbourne.

And then a nagging feeling strikes me between the lungs and asks me:
“Have you forgotten everything you went through in Melbourne?”

And every time someone asks me about how it’s like, studying overseas,
I wonder if I have.

The things I do seem to suggest that.

Have I tripped at the first step, yet again?

Sometimes I stop to think. I falter at the thought of nixing my principles.
It’s hard to be the bearer of change.
It’s hard to tell people that something is wrong –
Not by you, but by God.

The thought unnerves me.
What scares me more is conforming to what I feel is wrong, merely because I feel like I cannot overpower culture, not on my own.

And when I see what goes on around me, it catches me by the throat that all I can do is just criticize it in my heart.

I do not agree.

I am so worried that I act as if I have never undergone change.

For now it often strikes me that I do not act like an example should.

So maybe this is a cry for a little help.

Please.

(Missing the bi’ah)

Hype.

19 Oct

Assalamualaikum wrh. wbt.

I have no idea whether this YouTube vid was posted by legal means or not. The fact that I can’t embed it (by request) seems to point in that direction.

But either way.

I have a wishlist.

And somewhere down the more achievable ones in the near future includes getting the new Yusuf Islam CD, An Other Cup, as an early birthday present.

Really early.

Can do?
InsyaAllah :)

‘So demand.’

But here. A taste from An Other Cup. Enjoy. :)

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